Growing up, I always felt a sense of renewal after conference weekends. I had a fresh, new lists – lots of lists and to-dos – of things to do, guaranteed to improve my life.
But lists aren't enough for me anymore. Those lists were about controlling outcomes. And if there's anything I've learned the past few years, it's that I cannot control outcomes. I can control outcomes as much as I can control clouds in the sky.
There's so much I want to explain about why I feel the way I do. But there aren't words. I keep listening to this song, though. It's the only thing that seems to make sense of all the tangled thoughts and feelings inside me.
Coffe is on the table, and I
Just can't seem to wake up this aching heart of mine
One more day without you and I'll be fine
I know I'm good for waiting but waiting's wasted time
Oh and I, I don't take it lightly,
The trouble that I've gone through, to get you to know who I am
Oh and I, I can't find a reason to be happy in this heartache,
'Cause I should know better than that
I'm better than that
Wicked winds are blowing through the halls
These old families faces are clinging to the walls
I know it's cold but I can't feel at all
And I know these walls are crumbling,
And I won't stay to watch them fall
Oh and I, I don't take it lightly,
The trouble that I've gone through, to get you to know who I am
Oh and I, I can't find a reason to be happy in this heartache,
'Cause I should know better than that
But I can't stop loving you
I don't know what to do
To keep holding on
Oh and I, I don't take it lightly,
The trouble that I've gone through, I've given you all that I am
Oh and I, I can't find a reason to be happy in my heartache,
'Cause I should know better than that
Oh I'm better than that.
"Happy in My Heartache"
Josh Groban
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
28.2.15
spirituality, religion, church
- Spirituality, to me: my connection with God.
- Religion, to me: a system wherein a community of individuals practice a connection with God.
- Church, to me: a formal institution with set creeds, beliefs, rules, and conditions of membership, based on one or more individual's connection with God.
20.1.15
time to be honest about my church
Most of you probably know that I'm LDS (Mormon).
Fewer of you probably know that I struggle a lot with my church (note, I didn't say "my spirituality" or even "my religion," as to me they are entirely different things).
Only a couple of you know that I have started to consider leaving my church.
I am a mystic. I am a visionary. I am creative, passionate, insightful, independent, authoritative, adaptive. I am a dreamer, a free spirit, a warrior. I don't live by the rules when I see a better way. I see meaning and truth everywhere, in places others often don't. This is who I am. I have a very hard time existing in a church that ... prefers personalities very different from mine.
Should I someday leave (I might not), I hope my friends will be understanding and supportive about such a difficult, carefully-considered decision. In the meantime, I'm in the church, it's my church, I find meaning in many of the doctrines, and I'll keep fighting to make it the kind of place I think Jesus Christ would want it to be.
There are things that are challenging about my church that I can endure, albeit the fight leaves me exhausted: attitudes towards the LGBTQ community, tendencies to perpetuate white/middle-class centric ideas, old traditions that don't work in a modern world, and exclusion of women from all administrative power. But there is one thing, more than anything else, that hurts my heart and might be the final nail. This article, "You can't be what you can't see" sums up what it comes down to for me.
.......
(waiting while you go read that. It will help you understand what I'm trying to communicate to you)
.......
As a woman, being a member of and attending meetings at and listening to sermons and lessons in and seeing visual portrayals at my church, I have nothing to look at to see what I am supposed to become. I have to look *hard* at church to find things to see, and even then I am left wanting.
My womanhood is incredibly important to me. Women are incredibly important to me. Over the last few years, I have garnered enough courage to embark on my own spiritual journey, a heroine's journey, through which I am beginning to discover who I am as a woman – now and in a possible afterlife. And I have been persecuted for it, by fellow church members. One of my "priesthood leaders" even became overbearing and told me to stop what I was doing and said that I was being influenced by the devil. (He lost all my respect in that moment.) There are many stories of hero's and heroine's journeys in LDS scriptures, but my favorite has to be Lehi's.
I don't know where my journey will take me. I don't know if it will take me out of the LDS church. But I wanted you all to know about this so that, if the day comes, you will know that I made this decision with God.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to learn at church. To give at church. To be one with the members of my church. To find Christ in my church. As long as I can do that, I'll be here.
Fewer of you probably know that I struggle a lot with my church (note, I didn't say "my spirituality" or even "my religion," as to me they are entirely different things).
Only a couple of you know that I have started to consider leaving my church.
I am a mystic. I am a visionary. I am creative, passionate, insightful, independent, authoritative, adaptive. I am a dreamer, a free spirit, a warrior. I don't live by the rules when I see a better way. I see meaning and truth everywhere, in places others often don't. This is who I am. I have a very hard time existing in a church that ... prefers personalities very different from mine.
Should I someday leave (I might not), I hope my friends will be understanding and supportive about such a difficult, carefully-considered decision. In the meantime, I'm in the church, it's my church, I find meaning in many of the doctrines, and I'll keep fighting to make it the kind of place I think Jesus Christ would want it to be.
There are things that are challenging about my church that I can endure, albeit the fight leaves me exhausted: attitudes towards the LGBTQ community, tendencies to perpetuate white/middle-class centric ideas, old traditions that don't work in a modern world, and exclusion of women from all administrative power. But there is one thing, more than anything else, that hurts my heart and might be the final nail. This article, "You can't be what you can't see" sums up what it comes down to for me.
.......
(waiting while you go read that. It will help you understand what I'm trying to communicate to you)
.......
As a woman, being a member of and attending meetings at and listening to sermons and lessons in and seeing visual portrayals at my church, I have nothing to look at to see what I am supposed to become. I have to look *hard* at church to find things to see, and even then I am left wanting.
My womanhood is incredibly important to me. Women are incredibly important to me. Over the last few years, I have garnered enough courage to embark on my own spiritual journey, a heroine's journey, through which I am beginning to discover who I am as a woman – now and in a possible afterlife. And I have been persecuted for it, by fellow church members. One of my "priesthood leaders" even became overbearing and told me to stop what I was doing and said that I was being influenced by the devil. (He lost all my respect in that moment.) There are many stories of hero's and heroine's journeys in LDS scriptures, but my favorite has to be Lehi's.
"And it came to pass that while my father tarried in the wilderness he spake unto us, saying: Behold, I have dreamed a dream; or, in other words, I have seen a vision. And it came to pass that I saw a man, and he was dressed in a white robe; and he came and stood before me. And it came to pass that he spake unto me, and bade me follow him. And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste. And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.
And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field. And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy. And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that
it was desirable above all other fruit.
And I beheld a rod of iron, and it extended along the bank of the river, and led to the tree by which I stood. And I also beheld a strait and narrow path, which came along by the rod of iron, even to the tree by which I stood; and it also led by the head of the fountain, unto a large and spacious field, as if it had been a world. And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which led unto the tree by which I stood. And it came to pass that they did come forth, and commence in the path which led to the tree. And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost. And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree. And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed.
And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the otherside of the river of water, a great and spacious building; and it stood as it were in the air, high above the earth. And it was filled with people, both old and young, both male and female; and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit. And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost. And great was the multitude that did enter into that strange building. And after they did enter into that building they did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also;
but we heeded them not.
In the meantime, I'm still trying to learn at church. To give at church. To be one with the members of my church. To find Christ in my church. As long as I can do that, I'll be here.
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